One time in heaven Saint Peter said to Jesus, "I'm going on vacation and
I want you to watch the pearly gates. Everybody who comes up, you ask
the questions and you decide if they will stay here in heaven."
"Okay, Saint Peter, I will," said Jesus.
Jesus was receiving everybody when, he spied a blind and very old man
coming toward him.
Jesus said to him, "tell me about your life."
And the old man said, "I remember nothing about my life. The only thing
I remember is that my son was very famous on the earth and I was a
carpenter."
Jesus thought, "A son very famous and he was a carpenter, he must be
Joseph."
Jesus with his eyes full of tears said, "Father?"
The old man, touching the face of Jesus said, "Is that you Pinocchio?"
***
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but
had no idea of how to do so. The first man called out to God,
praying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to
swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours,
and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God,
give me the strength, and the tools to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in
about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a
couple of times.
The third man had seen how things worked out for the other two, so then
he prayed to God, he said, "Please God, give me the strength, and
the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."
And POOF! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
***
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies.
About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another
twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a
response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his
question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly
lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly
turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the sons of bitches."
***
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen,
are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps
onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on.
That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she asks, near hysterics.
"Switch on the windshield washer.
I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin,
but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking!" says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"
***
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the
drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times
on the wall. The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either."
***
There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting them
each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their activities to him at the end of the day. So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into
the night to indulge in all manner of sin. The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning,
and tries to sneak upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three, stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!" "The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you
will not receive absolution!" said the abbot. So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties, I snorted coffee whitener...." "Enough!" said the head abbot, enraged. "Those are evil sins, but I promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbot's instructions.
The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM."What did you do last night?" demanded the head abbot. "I can't say! It's much too evil!"
"The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!" "Okay," agreed the second monk. "I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of flora, my CD player..."
"Enough!" cried the head abbot. "That is a truly great sin. But I promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning."
The second monk sauntered off to do just that.
The third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning. "What," asks the head abbot, "did you do this evening?"
"No, head abbot, it's too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!" "The agreement, monk! You must tell me!" The third monk bowed his head and nodded. "All right, head abbot. Last night I...I..." "Yes?" "I pissed in the Holy Water."
***
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?"inquired God. It is all so beautiful, God," she
replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just this one problem. It is
these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching
them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they are a real pain" reported Eve. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up
right away." And God reaches down, removes the middle breast and tosses it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in
the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a
moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, how could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man
from a part of you.
Now let's see...where did I put that useless tit?"
Makes more sense than that business about the rib.
***
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' ya, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. Be
off with you."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
***
A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, they ran for cover. As they ran, the minister and the priest covered their privates but the rabbi covered his face.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied..."I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
***
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK, This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued. "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead"
gorgeous blond and a body that would not stop, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.
***
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"
***
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women
can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so
quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is
add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4
richer, 4 poorer."
***
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young
boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become
a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide
that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to
church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more
fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
***
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's
Prayer at a church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive
those who passed trash against us."
***
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a
sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
***
A little girl became restless as the preacher's
sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over
to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we
give him the money now, will he let us go?"
***
After the christening of his baby brother in
church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the
back seat of the car. His father asked him three times
what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest
said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and
I want to stay with you guys!"
***
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw
pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was
puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
people on an airplane, so she asked him which story
it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby
Jesus," Ms. Terri said.
"But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
***
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."
***
A college drama group presented a play in which
one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce,
"I descend into hell!" A stagehand below
would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and
the character would plunge through. The play was
well received. When the actor playing the part became
ill, another actor who was quite overweight took
his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!"
the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began
his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of
tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
***
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship
service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle,
Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy
told me how she finally got her son to sit still and
be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she
leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet,
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will
have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
***
A Nun asked her class to write a letter to God.
The results:
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?
* Nancy
Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look
it up.
* Bruce
Dear God:
I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me.
* Love, Allison
Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
* Lucy
Dear God:
Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house?
* Anita
Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and making new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have?
* Johnny
Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It worked with my brother.
* Larry
Dear God:
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
* Mickey
Dear God:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
* Julie
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when you are on vacation?
* Jane
Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
* Norma
Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
* Neil
Dear God:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
* Darla
Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
* Joyce
Dear God:
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
* Denise
Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair
all over.
* Sam
Dear God:
I think the stapler is one of Your greatest inventions.
* Ruth
Dear God:
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
* Elliot
Dear God:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David best.
* Rob
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
* Marsha
Dear God:
I would like to live for 900 years like that guy in the Bible.
* Love, Chris
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you
did it. So I bet he stole Your idea.
* Sincerely, Donna
Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
* Sara
***
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of ex-US President Clinton and Rep.
Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty, and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.
***
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. As he turned to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear closing on him. He tried to run even faster,so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"
Just then, time stopped... The bear froze; the forest was silent; the river even stopped moving. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying... "You deny My existence all of these years; teach others I don't exist; even credit My creation to acosmic accident, and now you expect Me to help you? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and said... "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian afterall these years - but could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. As the light went out,the river ran, and the sounds of the forest continued again, The bear put his paw down.
Then the bear brought both paws together...bowed hishead and said...
"Lord, I thank thee for this food, which I am about to receive."
***
Jake, Johnny, and Billy Bob went to the rodeo.Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death.
Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heavenwhere they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. "I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you breakthem, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on."
That sounded simple enough and they passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere!In no time at all, Jake stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on.
Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Jake and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Johnny accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough,along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished."
With that, he chained the woman to Johnny and said,"The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, Billy Bob was very careful not to step on aduck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Billy Bob and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away.
Billy Bob exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder whatI did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman,"But I stepped on a duck..."
***
These are actual bloopers from church bulletins
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the FellowshipHall after the B.S. is done.
**
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
**
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
**
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of ourchurch and community.
**
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare'sHamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
**
Thursday night Pot luck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
**
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
**
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
**
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
**
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak,mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
**
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
**
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
**
Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of theLittle Mothers Club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
**
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married onOctober 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
**
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way fromAfrica.
**
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
**
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayerconference includes meals."
**
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
**
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
**
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
**
The church will host an evening of fine dining,superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
**
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
****
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days in the week begin with the letter 'T' ? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter "'How many seconds in a year?'
'Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second............" "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter, "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied."I learned it from the song: ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..........." St. Peter opens the gates and says: "RUN, FORREST, RUN!!!
***
This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asksSaint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"John Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of JohnSmiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words.Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Whirling JohnSmith!"
***
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her. Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful? God: So you will always want to look at her. Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft? God: So you will always want to touch her. Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good? God: So you will always want to be near her. Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid? God: So she would love you.
***
A minister's wife was going to have her first baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation.
You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd - "Having children is an act of God!" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said...
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"
***
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with
delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the
priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the
priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger
almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he
dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in Big trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, Big trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
***
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the
Sick'."
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