Christmas gifts

My Christmas Gifts!




I'd love to give you a really expensive Christmas present this year, all tied up with fancy ribbons and bows. As this is an impossible task, the best I can manage, is to give you a few laughs. So have fun looking around this page and hope Santa will be good to you and you eat lots, drink lots and most of all laugh lots!

Just click on the list title and you'll be taken right to it!



My Christmas Gift list


Download and listen to these funny sound bytes!


  1. Snowman Song, contributed by Lynn Williams, Georgia, USA, (ADULT).
  2. Song For Santa, (ADULT).
  3. Great Christmas Dishes! Need some new fun Christmas dish ideas? Why not download this real funny MP3 file and have a good laugh! Contributed by David Brown, Southport, England.



Ok, your Christmas funnies start from here!


A Brother's Xmas Story.


my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because everyChristmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those kind of things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore down town.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,"What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally,I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy astandard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut."Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and noone wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny!Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's lastChristmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenlyLouise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room,fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threwdown her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called "duct tape", we restored her to perfect health.Louise went on to star at many a batchelor party and I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

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An Interesting Fruitcake Recipe



Try this recipe. You'll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain the nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat up the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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Dear Diary (ADULT).


Dear Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.
Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsa ken place as Canada!

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Dear John (ADULT).


14 Dec
My Dearest Darling John
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift! Thank you darling for the lovely gift.
With deep love and affection always

Your ever loving Agnes
15 Dec
My dearest John
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - two turtle doves. I am delighted. They are adorable
All my love
Your ever loving Agnes
16 Dec
Dearest John
Oh how extravagant you are! I really must protest! I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens - I insist you are too kind.
Your loving Agnes
17 Dec
Dearest John
The four calling birds I received today are lovely and should be good company for the hens, doves and partridge. I really must think of getting an aviary.
Your loving Agnes
18 Dec
Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You are really impossible, but I love you. Frankly though, all the birds are beginning to squawk and getting on my nerves.
Regards Agnes
19 Dec
Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I can't sleep. Please Stop.
Cordially yours Agnes
20 Dec
John
What is it with you and these rotten birds? Now I get seven swans-a- swimming. Is it some sort of god damned joke? The house is full of bird shit and it's not funny any more. Stop sending bloody birds.
Yours Agnes
21 Dec
OK. Buster
I think I prefer the bloody birds! What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? If it wasn't enough with all those birds now I have eight cows shitting all over the house mooing all night. LAY OFF!
AGNES
22 Dec
Look Dickhead!
What are you? Some kind of nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep mooing and treading all over the bloody birds. The neighbours are now threatening to have me evicted. Get Knotted.
Agnes
23 Dec
You Rotten Bastard
Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these Whores "ladies" is beyond me. They're pulling the pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea, my living room is a sea of shit! The landlord has declared the building unfit for habitation. PISS OFF!
Agnes
24 Dec
Listen Shitface
What with seven lords-a-leaping all over the maids - well we shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for the crumpet and committing sodomy with the cows. I hope you are satisfied you swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes
25 Dec
You Stinking Lousy Shit
The twelve drummers drumming have teamed up with the pipers in making one hell of a bloody din. Both lots have been buggering the Lords as well as the cows and who knows what happened to the milk maids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I've saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding in the bloody pear tree, which has been so well fertilised that it has grown through the roof. Thank God it's finally Christmas
Ag

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Honest Santa Answers His Mail (ADULT).



(1) Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
(2) Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thingI ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
(3) Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what youcan do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a hurricane, do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
(4) Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
(5) Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
(6) Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo inVegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
(7) Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
(8) Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
(9) Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad justlike all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

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Kids and Crazy Carols.


No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.
Singalong with these new takes on old favorites.

* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel...Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in Listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* O come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
***
Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed!

******************************************
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,........ ....(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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Politically Correct Santa?



'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And Equal Employment had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops,
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe...had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose,
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion,
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word these days.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."

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Post Xmas Poem.


Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN"
With a handful of bills , he grinned like a fox,
Then quickly stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillards, now Broadways, now Pennys and Sears
Here's Robinsons and Levitz and Target and Mervyns.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge-awaycharge-awaycharge-away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster, with just half of a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENOY WHAT YOU GOT, YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

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Reindeer Quips.


What Reindeer Talk About During Their Christmas Flight...
10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE."
7. "Sure...HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get annoying!"
And Finally...
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"

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Santa Has Stress!


Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh,one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friend . . .is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree .

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Santa's Reindeer.


According to the Alaska Department of Fish andGame, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,from Rudolph to Blitzen........had to be a girl. We should have known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost.

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Santa's Sloshed!


Twas The Night Before Christmas, And Santa's Pissed
****************************************************
Twas the night before Christmas,
old Santa was pissed,
He cussed out the elves,
and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats,
Ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind,
To scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass,
for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa" ,
what do I hear..
The old lady bitches,
cause I work late at night,
the elves want more money,
And the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk,
and goosed all the maids.
Donner is Pregnant,
Vixon has AIDS
And just when I thought,
That things would get better,
The IRS,
They sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes,
If that ain't damn funny..
Who the hell ever,
Sent Santa any money?
And the kids these days,
They all are the pits.
They want the impossible,
Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year,
Making wagons and sleds,
with no request for them,
They want computers and Robots, They think I am IBM
If you think that is bad,
Picture this..
Try holding those brats,
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
They grab at my beard,
And if I don't smile,
The parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air,
Dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys,
And skinning my knees.
I quit this job,
There is just no enjoyment,
I'm going to sit on my fat ass,
And collect unemployment
There is NO Christmas this year,
Now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde,
and heading SOUTH for the season..

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Santa Southern Style


I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local placement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however; there are a few differences between us. Differences such as
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner andBlitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, onWallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleighback as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on theTooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "SantaClaus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by aReindeer."
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

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The 12 Days After Xmas!



The first day after Christmas,
My true love and I had a fight,
And so I chopped the pear tree down,
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge,
I shot that blasted partridge,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas,
I pulled on the old rubber gloves,
And very gently wrung the necks,
Of both the turtle doves,
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas,
My mother caught the croup,
I had to use the three French hens,
To make some chicken soup,
The four calling birds were a big mistake,
For their language was obscene,
The five golden rings were completely fake,
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas,
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the,
A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found,
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned,
(I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas,
Before they could suspect,
I bundled up the,
Eight maids-a-milking,
Nine ladies dancing,
Ten lords-a-leaping,
Eleven pipers piping,
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love,
"We are through, love!",
And I said in so many words,
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!"
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,,
Three French hens,,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!"

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The Perfect Couple.



Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.Being the perfect couple,they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident, women can't drive..right? By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

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Twas The Night Before Xmas, (Woman's Version).



T'was the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need?!

My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.

Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The egg nog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret, says,
"What's taking so long ... aren't you through in here yet?"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shakey and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

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Xmas Party Invitation.


The Office Christmas Party...
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis - Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis - Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis - Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

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