Rib Tickling Rhymes!

Below are links to some humorous rhymes people have sent , or have written and contributed. If you fancy yourself as a bit of a funny poet, please send me your rhymes and I will add them to this page.

Click the item on this list and you'll be taken to that poem...

Here's all the poems for you in full

Alphabet For The Elderly.

Ais for arthritis,
B s for bad back,
C s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight - can't read that top line,
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches,
H is high blood pressure,
I is for itches,
J is for joints that are failing to flex,
L is for libido - what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees,
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) andneurosis,
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis,
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two,
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears,
U is for difficulties urinary,
V is for vertigo,
W is worry About what the X - as in X-ray - will find,
But though the word terminal rushes to mind,,
I'm proud, as each Y - year - goes by,,
to reveal a reservoir ofundiminished Z - zeal -
For checking the symptoms my body's deployed,,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

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Computers Sometimes Crash.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

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Julie's Favourite Things.

There are recent rumours that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP. Ms. Andrews sang a favourite from the Sound of Music, Favourite Things. There were a few changes to the words, to fit in withthe AARP theme. Here are the new words to this tune.
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bath robes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

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Moods of Men and Women!

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse,
She'll break open his head and then be his nurse.
But when he's well and can get out of bed,
She'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind;
Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind.
She'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
Or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
She'll run away from him and never come back
But if he runs away, then she'll be on his track.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll wind you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



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Ode to Computer Users Over 30.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights;
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
And a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age;
A CD was a bank account;
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file;
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire;
Hard drive was a long trip on the road;
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife;
Paste you did with glue;
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper
And the memory in my head;
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!

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Oh Those Women.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

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'Twas the night before Christmas and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook.
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built
Showed a broom up his ass clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver half out of his sled
A sock on his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I am speaking he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled at his team but itdidn't sound right.

Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Puts,
Slow down this sled or I'll cut off your nuts!
look out for the lamp post and don't hit the tree.
Quit shaking this sleigh 'cause I gotta pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Santa leaned out and threwup on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer emptied his blatter.

I was donning my jockies to cover my ass.
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash
His suit was all smelly withperfume galor,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel he said with a smile,
The reindeer were pooped and i juststayed a while.
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink.
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee.
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den Santa reached in his sack.
His toys were all gone, some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits.
The next was a hand gun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condems was Santa's next find
And six pairs of panties the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't mention.
A cock ring a g-string and all types of oil.
A didlo so long it lay in a coil.

This stuff ain't for kids Mrs. Santa will shit!
So I'll leave them here, then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking then took his leave
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead.
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch
Saying take me home Rudolph this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!"

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Some Nursery Rhymes.

Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her Thighs

Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun.
Jill, that dill Forgot her pill And now they have a son.

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one,
And the other two escaped with minor injuries

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The Night of Thanksgiving!

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned -- the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, your turkey be plump.
Your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

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The Shape We Are In!

There's nothing really wrong with me -
I'm just as healthy as can be...
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, it's with a wheeze...
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in!

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in!

Arch supports I need for my feet
Or I wouldn't be able to walk in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in!

Old age is golden, I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on the table, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got up and went!
But I really don't mind, when I think with a grin
Of all the places my get-up has been!

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
And pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old,
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in!

~ Author Unknown

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Who Says It's Bad For You?

The horse and the mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.

The goats and sheep at twenty die
With never a taste of scotch or rye.

The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.

The dog at sixteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.

The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks.

The sober, modest, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten.

The animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die.

While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.

And some of us, though mighty few.
Stay pickled, till we're ninety-two!

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