Some Odds & Ends!




Below you will find some amusing bits and pieces which have been contributed by friends. Read and enjoy!


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Ok, all the Odds & Ends are detailed from here...



A bad work day!


Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt! Who says it's bad for you

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A sensual experience!


The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.
As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES!

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A Wife Upgrade?


Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I pgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but Un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Joe
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to Un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "ESC" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support.

Growing older is mandatory; Growing up is optional. SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
1. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
3. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
4. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
5."I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
8. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
12. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
13. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
14. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
15. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
16. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
17. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
18. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
19. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
20. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

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Alcohol Labels!


Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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Ask God about kids!


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students.... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve.... we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes, way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?" They asked.
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God, as our first parent, asked?
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" asked the Father. .
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said,
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!
But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom, and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
***
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension, and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
CHILDREN: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
***
We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

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Best ever Country songs?



* Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
* Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
* Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
* I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
* I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
* I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
* I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
* I Wanna Whip Your Cow
* I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
* I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
* I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
* If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
* If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
* Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
* My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
* Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
* She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
* She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
* Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
* They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
* When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
* You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
* You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

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Bricklayers accident report


This accident report was sent to me. It was published in an Australian newspaper, proclaiming to be an actual occurrence. Whether this is true or not, I can't say. All I can say is, there has been an Irish song sung about this for more years than I care to remember. The words in the song are slightly different, the song is sung ---"Why Paddy's not at work today", my friend Ray Warke performs a great rendition of it on one of his CD's. If you haven't heard the song, you should check it out, it's hilarious!
Dear Sir
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof,swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed insection 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accountsfor the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."

You can download a song version of this funny, The Bricklayer's Song, by The Corries here!

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Clinton's Final Address to the Union (ADULT).


Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Eight years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less (at least I can claim it is). The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his
or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hottie with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
God Bless AMERICA. Thank you!
--Don't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive.

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Confusing Signs!



Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
***
THE JOKE THAT SPARES NOBODY: In Court!
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneysNULL
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Do You Like Puns?


1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: "Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was ... a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Dog Letters To God!



Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?
Dear God,
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?
A Cat Letter to God!

Dear God,
Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.

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Excerpts From Kids Science Papers!



One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

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Happy Easter From the Easter Bunny!



Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Happy Easter!!!

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Happy Saint Patrick's Day!


Pay very close attention... this could save your life!!!

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
However, while we appreciate that those who aren't Irish wish to join in celebrating the day St. Patrick drove the serpents out of Ireland using only the power of God, a quart of Jameson, and weapons-grade irradiated cobalt, the way most people observe St. Patrick's Day is offensive and disrespectful.
There's nothing more pathetic than some fat Polack swilling seven Buds mixed with carcinogenic green dye drunkenly arguing that INXS is authentic Irish music just before barfing into a plate of corned beef and cabbage.

Let's face it: most people are in no condition to handle the all-day drunk of St. Patrick's Day. However, if you follow this simple blueprint, you can enjoy St. Patrick's Day with no fear that anyone will think you're not from the Auld Sod, even if your name is Amhed Al Jihad.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up.
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocets
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 ozs. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink.
Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you ARE going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.
We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an Irish Coffee, as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poser while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with Jameson or Bushmill and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like the man said in Blazing Saddles: "Man drink like that, without eating, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur.
If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the most frightening phrase in the English language besides I'm pregnant: You're shut off. By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring.
Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look twice or three times as crowded as it really is.
By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than your wife or husband.
The English are all piss-assed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey.
If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.
You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now.
The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out.
By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience should be one you would never forget if it weren't physically and biologically impossible for you to remember any of it.

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Here's Your Sign!


we all KNOW folks who need a sign!!!
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

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Hot Air Balloon!


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." ______________________________________________

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How Many Christians...


Contributed by Danielle, (Our lovable and huggable Boo Boo).
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb???
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?

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How Many Dogs...


Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the furniture.
Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do It. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff:
Dark!! Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right THERE!....
Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a big circle...
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a bulb?
German Shepard:
All right, everyone stop where you are. Who busted the light?
Hound Dog..
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

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I Cannot Tell A Lie!


Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why... The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that f****** cherry tree...!"

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In the Headlines!


Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)...
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death
18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
23. War Dims Hope For Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

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Is Windows a Virus?


No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug....

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It's a Dog's Life!


7:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating thepaper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.
9:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.
1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.
2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.
4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.
5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.
6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?
9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.

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It's Good to be a Man!


Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45minutes.

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Kids In Deep Thought.


Kids In Deep Thought From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15

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Learn Some Chinese.


LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ...
That's not right. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man. Dum Gai
Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great. Fu Kin Su Pah

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Letter From Camp!


Dear Mom,
Our scout master told us to all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

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Letter From Grandma.


Contributed by Eric Gathers, U.S.A.
Dear Friend,
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma

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Letter To The Bank!


This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and abilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing repayment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer.
8. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
#. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:" "Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for." After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute; you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

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Management Lessons!


story 1.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him: Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: Sure, why not. So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management lesson: to be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
STORY 2.
A turkey was chatting with a bull: I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey. But I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?, replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management lesson: bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
STORY 3.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1 - Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy
2 - Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3 - And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

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Medical Spelling and Grammar Errors.


Spelling and grammar errors found at a hospital on the east coast
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Memo From Human Resources (ADULT).


Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
> INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources

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Mental Health Hot Line!


Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Modern Day Communication!


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.
They were looking forward to pleasant weather and anice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail-but,due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had gone to his reward only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen Dearest Wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate.
Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S.: Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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Once Upon a Time?



Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other.
While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! "Rindercella," she asked, "Shry do you why?"
Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork.
Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night.
As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper.
Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last.
Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!

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Only in Britain!


Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
***
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalectrix cars.
In 1997 eight Brits cracked their skulls whilst throwing up into the toilet.

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Out Of The Mouths Of Babes.


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
***
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
***
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" "If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad!!....." "WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
***
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"
***
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
***
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." *
This next one would be my child, I'm sure of it!
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" *
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" *
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." *
I like this next one because I never understood as a kid what a trespass was!
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." *
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail." Amen. *
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." *
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." *
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" *
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?" *
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." *
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!" *
This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese:
Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name...."

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Politically Correct Terms for Cats!



My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
- My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

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Potatoes?



You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P. U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just a... common Tater

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Pregnancy Questions & Answers.


Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: What is the most common craving during pregnancy?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: I'm seven weeks pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the diaper very quickly.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why is this?
A: Because you're fatter then they are.
Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the grasp reflex?
A: The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again!
***
------------------------------------------------------ Spank The Baby
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."
***
---------------------------------------------------- A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?", he asked.
"Yes, I am." replied the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!

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prodigal Son in the Key of F!


Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings and flew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends.
Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments
"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," the frazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father, I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"
The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast.
The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of former folderol. But the faithful father figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but the fugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity? Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare" And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation for the former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
PHEW!

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Proverbs, Kids Style.


A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than......................punch a fifth grader
Strike while the ........................... bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................DaylightSavings Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the bestway to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................theMusketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cryand.......you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as........................StevieWonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spankedor grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you...........see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
Better late than............................pregnant.

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Resignation From Adulthood!


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight year old again.
I want to go to McDonalds and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to lie beneath a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple when all you new were colors, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that made you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fare, that everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible,
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again, I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paper work, depressing news, how to survive more days than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, bills and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, justice, truth, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
So, here's my checkbook, my car keys, my credit card bills and my RRSP statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cause, tag you're it!

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Senior Moments.


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
========== When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
========== An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it had a pearl worth $50,000...please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"
========== Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..... I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Senility Prayer!


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded . . .
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

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Several Affairs!


The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
-------------------------------------------------------------------- The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
----------------------------------------------------- The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his bedside.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I... I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"

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Signs Found In Kitchens!



A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

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Some Chinese Proverbs!


Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Some Great Imponderables.


1. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
2. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
3. Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
4. Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"?
5. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
6. If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
7. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
8. Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
9. When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?
10. If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
11. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
12. Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
13. If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?
14. If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
15. Why is there always one in every crowd?
16. If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
17. Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?
18. Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?
19. Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?
20. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

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Some Greeting Card Suggestions.


NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
1. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking?"
2. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
3. "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
4. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
5."I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
8. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
12. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
13. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
14. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
15. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
16. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
17. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
18. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
19. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."
20. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!"

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Some Idiot Examples.


This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 P.M. Whenn I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and added, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

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Some Life's Lessons!


Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

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Some Odd Thoughts!


All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crrowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you trried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need itt.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

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Some Stories From Travel Agents.


I had someone ask for an aisle seat on the plane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make HER look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response; . . . click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map." -- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

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Some weird Thoughts!


1. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
2. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
6. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the PostOffice? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Sounds Like Your Lawyer?



All said in Court:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty eight or thirty five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Stories, southern Style!


A salesman came to Festus's door, selling books.
Now Festus 's wife is at work and Festus is usually the one who does most of the house chores.
So, Festus answered the door wearing his apron and the salesman goes into his sales pitch about how this one book he has would do half of Festus's work for him.
Festus ponders this for a minute and then he says "Are you sure this book will do half a' my work for me?"
"Yes sir, absolutely!" answers the salesman.
Festus said, "Well now, in that case I reckon I'll take me two a' them books!"
***
A group of rednecks sat around the pot-bellied stove in the country store, discussing the mysteries of life.
"I'm going deaf and blind," sighed one old fellow. "I don't know what the good Lord wants to leave me here for."
"Now, Mr. McCoy," replied his Pastor friend, "the Lord's ways are not our ways, and we can't always understand. But if He's left you here, He's got work for you to do."
Mr. McCoy sat for a minute in quiet meditation, then announced, "Well, t'hell wit' him... I ain't a-gonna do it!"
***
After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.
"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."
The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"
"Sure," said the Southerner. "She don't care how I cut the grass."
***
One day a salesman stopped by the McCranie farm, knocked, and the farmer's wife came to the door.
"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.
"Sure is. He's over to the cow barn."
"Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?"
"Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and moustache."
***
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sirree, your honor, sir," replied Cleetus, "I got me a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy what done it."
***
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. They's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothin' but a hound dog.'"
***
Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give them yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit 'em."
Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck," and continued on their way.
A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where them guys was going?"
Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida".
Jake asked him how he knew that and Zeke's response was, "Well, right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of 'em say something about Sunny Beaches..."
***
The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a collitch education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered, "I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more."
The old man shook his head sadly. "After all the sacrifices your Maw and I made to give you a good ejeecation, you still say ain't!"

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Taking a Shower!


How To Shower Like A Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loafs, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
22 Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

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The Competition Phone-in! (ADULT)


Contributed By Pat Bacon, USA!

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ:"Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'MateMatch'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinko's."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "In the ass....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

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The Man and the Ostrich.


Contributed by Danielle, U.S.A. (The lovable and huggable Boo Boo!).
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says,"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich. A
short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs!

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The Pope.


The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."
After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.
"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.
"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver,
but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.
"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.
The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.
When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

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The Proxy Father?


Contributed by Pat Bacon, U.S.A.
The Smiths had tried for years to have a child, and not having had any luck, they decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the bell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain.? I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped.? Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub?? Living room floor?? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, Madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions, and if I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.?
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.? "You mean they actually chewed on your, uh ... equipment?".
"That's right. Well, Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

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The Real Man Test.


Contributed by Lynn williams, Georgia, U.S.A.
The Real Man Test
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

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The 12 Feasts of Thanksgiving


On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls.
On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of a naked turkey carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.

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The American Soldier!


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R & R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

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The Pig!



If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
_A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
__The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
_Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
_Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
_The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
_Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
_Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
_A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
_An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
_Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
_Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)

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The Pillsbury Doughboy.


It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeastinfection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the HostessTwinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy,describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled withturnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a roll model for millions.Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50, for about twenty minutes.

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The Rules of Chocolate.


If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

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The work Virus!


----NEW VIRUS ALERT ==== =====VERY IMPORTANT ======

There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to the pub". The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life

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The Year 2036!



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East, (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria and Lebanon).
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Alabama lowers age of consent for girls from eight to six.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 CHAD sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces they have perfected their newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 yen an hour;
American-owned businesses now returning to cheap labor in USA.
White minority in USA demands civil rights and wins $47 billion in reparations.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

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Top 8 Idiots of 2001.



Idiot 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the Emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.
Idiot #3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
Idiot #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!
Idiot #5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!
Idiot #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
Idiot #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
Idiot #8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
The most honest sales pitch I have ever seen!

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Top Ten Times in History When...!



10. "What the @#$% was that?"
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
Picasso,1926
6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
Michaelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the @#$% are we?"
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers My ass!"
Noah, 4314 BC
2. "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"
JFK, 1963
And ... drum roll ...
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
Bill Clinton, 1997

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Top 20 Ways to Say Your Fly... (ADULT).



20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
And the #1 way to tell someone their fly is unzipped...
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

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True Understanding?


It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need.
She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning them selves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry The next evening I am willing to overlook it .Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Courage is grace under pressure--Ernest Hemingway

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Two Gender Oil Change!



Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 + Coffee $ 1.00 = Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50.00 + DUI $2500.00 + Impound fee $75.00 + Bail $1500.00 + Beer $25.00 = Total-- $4150.00 -- But you know the job was done right!

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Waiting for a Bus (ADULT).



While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read, "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs. and you play the fiddle".
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she started playing the fiddle with great natural skill. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't.
She thought about it and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. and you have gastritis." She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all of a sudden she farts. She wondered about the fortune and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.
She puts another quarter in the machine and out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. and you are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw for weeks, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to screw like two teenagers.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've Fiddled, Farted and Fucked around and now you've missed your bus..."

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What Can Your Cat Do?



The Engineer, Accountant, Chemist and Gov. Worker...
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat. "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said. "What can YOUR cat do?"
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet,ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

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What Do You Know About Sex? (ADULT)



"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
"Good sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"If it weren't for pick pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women and clergymen."
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday."
"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children."
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
"My kid had sex with your honor student."
"My sexual preference is not you."
"Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."
"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."
"Do I think sex is dirty? Only if you're doing it right!"
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible."

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Why and What!


What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a red-head are all in the third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine???
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did O J Simpson want to move to Georgia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them both.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe THIS !!!!!!"

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Why is it?


1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
32. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
34. There are three religious truths:
*Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
*Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
*Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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Words Of Wisdom!



The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
Ilive in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and stupid's
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

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Wrapping Presents.


1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in the middle of the living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put presents in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as it "helps".
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from it's mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take box from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape to hold the paper.
31. Take soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer ticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made while playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.

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You Know You're a Redneck When?


You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your pickup will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

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10 Husbands and Still a...


Contributed by Eric Gathers, U.S.A.

10 Husbands and Still A Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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25 Ways to Know You're Grown Up.



1. Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie ... the WHOLE date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces,"I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

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30 Year Perspective.



1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1970: KEG
2000: EKG
1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux
1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm
1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage
1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints
1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer
1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM
1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian
1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint
1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones
1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office
1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system
1970: Disco
2000: Costco
1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid
1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test
1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

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